The Bold and the Brayful: Passenger Safety Instructions

The Bold and the Brayful

A column by Fenway Bartholomule

Reprinted with permission from the Brayer

Carry-on luggage must be securely stowed

When FarmWife talked to a former owner of mine from a few homes ago, she was told that I could carry 350 pounds (I probably weigh 800). The operative word here is could—not should. FarmWife is a rider who listens to her mount, and here's what I told her: I'll carry her and I'll carry her dog, but I'm done carrying half my own weight down the trail. New owner, new weight limits, new rules. Here are a few of my new, improved guidelines for safe muleback riding:

Passengers are allowed one checked bag (attached to the saddle, and generally containing a hoof pick, wire cutters, and a few first aid items) and one piece of carry-on luggage (in FarmWife's case, a dog-pouch worn about the torso). Pets must remain securely stowed until Captain Fenway turns off the "watch for traffic" sign. (Clover Chihuahua, this means no roaming until we're out of the public roadway).

Before takeoff, Captain Fenway requires that passengers run down the following checklist:

Hooves picked

Coat curried and brushed

Hoofboots secured

Saddle pad smoothed

Ears massaged

Saddle placed in a secure and upright position

In the event of turbulence, please keep your center of gravity low and stable over the center of the mule. Captain Fenway is not responsible for poorly balanced passengers.

In the event of a sudden loss of altitude, please wear A) a helmet and B) boots with heels. A) because I don't have opposable thumbs with which to scrape your gray matter off the floor, and B) because I'm frightened of dragging things. (This has stood in the way of my conversion to a driving mule, actually—I certainly don't want to get stuck dragging you!)

In the event of a water landing, Captain Fenway's tail can be used as a towing device. To use it, free your feet from the stirrups and float backwards towards the rear of the mule.

On this mount, there are four exit doors—one on each side of the saddle, one over the ears, and one over the crupper. Please take a moment to locate the exit nearest your left leg and use this exit whenever possible.

This mount is equipped with radar for the detection of scary things. Please defer to Captain Fenway's judgement when passing lines on the pavement, looming garbage cans, and other treacherous items.

At the end of your voyage, Captain Fenway will be searching passengers' pockets for carrots and other delectable items. Please be prepared to make a donation at this time.

Ears to you, and thanks for riding with Captain Fenway!

Comments

Here are the Cloud Dog's X-Rays

Here, for your edification, are the X-rays of dear Paisley's leg. There is, apparently, no new break (since his Monday siezure) but there is, of course, a great deal of abnormality caused by years of living with a shortened ulna. His pronounced lameness, the vet says, may temporarily improve. Unlike me, Fenway Bartholomule, poor cloud dog can't expect much in the way of a full recovery. Not having the $$$$ for surgery to fuse the joint, we are working on making some sort of rigid splint to support the limb and prevent further degeneration. That is, the humans (with their space-age material inventions and their opposable thumbs) are working on making a splint; I am working on giving cloud dog brayful looks of support and encouragement every time he totters into the yard to relieve himself. As always, he fears me (me?!) and keeps his distance. Ears to you, Fenway

Continued . . .

Vegan Spring Rolls

I, Fenway Bartholomule, am a vegan: of course I only eat plants, not people! My human is too, so I'm sharing my blog with her today so that she can participate in the 2014 Virtual Vegan Potluck ! When you're done perusing the recipe for these delicious spring rolls, click "back" or "forward" for the entire potluck experience! Virtual Vegan Potluck: Spring Roll Appetizers Beautiful? Check. Healthy? Check. Delicious? Check. Easy? Check. Fancy? Check. Quick to clean up after? Check. Vegan? OF COURSE! If you're looking for something portable, colorful, and crowd-pleasing for your next potluck, look no further than these simple vegan spring rolls! The best part? You can substitute ANYTHING. I never make these the same way twice, so play around with cilantro, kale, cabbage, scallions, or whatever you think sounds good! Ingredients Veggie mix: 2 carrots (grated) 4 oz mung bean sprouts 1/3 cup chopped peanuts (raw, or roasted and salted) or ...

Continued . . .

Mowers and raccoons and steers, oh my!

In my informal Facebook survey I learned that the majority of Friends of the Muleness want more stories—All the Stories!—and that the story they want most of all is the story of the raccoon. Farmwife says it's hardly a story at all, and that it would be something to talk about had the raccoon been in my barn, or touching my body, or gesticulating at me with it's bizarrely human little fingers to indicate that it would like a little snack or help with its homework. Alas, this is not that kind of story. Before I tell you about the raccoon I have to go backwards and tell you that I am feeling very good in my body these days. My track through the forest has been expanded, my laminitis is at bay, and my health has been very largely excellent since I came here to the Atomic Ranch in December. I am feeling so good, in fact, that I have been cleared for long walks around the neighborhood! Puck, Farmwife, and I sometimes make the long loop up Saratoga and back around Fox Spit, which ...

Continued . . .

To Boot or Not to Boot

There're boots (FarmWife's, pictured) and and then there're boots (mine, below) and boots (suspensory). And THOSE—suspensory, support or protective boots—are what I want to talk about today. (And yes, I know that there are a million other kinds, too, but a mule has only so much time.) I love my Easyboot Epics, and I would gladly wear a second pair on my hind hooves if the opportunity presented itself. So far, it hasn't, but it's only a matter of time until a mule of my caliber starts seeing the corporate sponsorship love. All in due time! In the meantime, FarmWife wonders about protective or supportive boots. You know, the kind that make a mule look very fancy, ready for anything, and primed for tremendous athletic accomplishment? Really, I would love to have some. I think they'd look sassy. The arguments in favor of wearing something like a Sports Medicine Boot are thus: I love to a...

Continued . . .

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