Ten reasons to envy me, Fenway Bartholomule

1) I am a) the most large, b) the most attractive, and c) the most important outdoor animal at Bent Barrow Farm. This also makes me the best.

2) I have corporate sponsors and a magazine column. No one else in the family can say that.

3) I am the cheapest member of the family to feed, with possible exception to the under 20 pound set (dog, cats, rabbits). I eat less than a goat. (Wait a minute . . . maybe this should inspire pity. I don't know.)

4) I get to run around naked all day and no one calls the police.

5) I am a living solar panel. I soak up sun like all get out, which would be a big bummer in Cali. but which does me good here in soggy Wickersham!

6) My stupendous bray is known for miles around. The only other people in Wickersham who can make this claim are the bald eagles, but even they are not as loud as me.

7) I am the velvetiest member of the family except for Harriet the rex, and she doesn't count because she's got beady red eyes and no proper tail.

8) I have a really cool collar with my name embroidered on it. No one else in the family can make this claim, though Clover has a really cool collar with her name riveted to it. Close second.

9) I take people's breath away on an almost daily basis. Who else can do that? Hardly anyone, except maybe Phillip Morris.

10) I am loved like nobody's business.