Slither for the roses

With spring comes everyone's favorite sporting event—and no, I'm not talking about the Kentucky Derby or Spring Training. That's right, folks, it's snail race time!

The best things about snail races?

1) Spectators can get up close and personal without risk of being trampled, kicked, gored, or struck by a flying projectile.

2) The competitors, thus occupied, take a break from eating our fragile young transplants.

3) There's no cheaper entertainment for a frugal family!


The worst things about snail races?

1) The picnic table ends up rather slimy.

2) The competitors often lose focus, and sometimes no one reaches the finish line.

3) All good things must end. These races usually result in the competitors being retired to the grassy expanse beneath the pear tree, though, so we've got that advantage over thoroughbred racing. No escargot for these champs!