How to Get A Mule Like Me

link to pictured mule

Dear Readers,

There are more nice mules on www.dreamhorse.com than ever before, and I know that this is because the universe is conspiring to get YOU a mule of your own. With exception to Katie Scarlett, Surprise, and Maisy, I am not sure that there are enough mules in my audience to satisfy all of my readers' longear needs.

Shopping on Dreamhorse is all well and good, but even with the plentitude of mules listed, I don't know if there are enough great ones for ALL of my 129 fans, so I have thought of another way.

First, check Dreamhorse. You might find a nice mule like this one, who would be prettier in brown, or this one, who deserves a rider who knows that one does not place 85% of the foot in the stirrup under normal circumstances. If you live in Washington, you should go get both of them today!

Second, broaden your search to include quality horse mares. You might end up choosing someone like this, who's got looks and mad skilz. Then, you search the world over for a donkey jack who deserves her. You will probably spend less on the stud fee than on the mare, especially if you buy thi$ mare that I already recommended.

Breed the two, wait 11 and a half months (yes, mules take longer than horses to cook because they are harder and more important to make), and Voila! A baby.

YOU ARE NOT DONE!

If you truly want a mule like me, you must then assess the baby. Does it display perfect symmetry, with possible exception to it's nostrils? (I have one horse nostril and one donkey nostril, which tends more towards the endearing than the grotesque.) Does it combine strength and grace in every feature? Does it exude class from every pore, and demonstrate elegance in every motion? Does it understand the importance of frequent meals and energy conservation? Does it grok the true meaning of Rest and Relaxation?

Once you are sure you have a very likely candidate, you must raise it right. This means exposing it to all sorts of challenges . . . slopes to summit, rivers to ford, threats to bypass, and snacks to root out and devour. Do not expose it to the Evil Lines on the road, unless you want your very good mule baby swallowed into hellfire before you even get to ride it.

If you successfully raise a beautiful, athletic, intelligent, level-headed mule to adulthood you may ride it without any further fuss. Do not worry about sophisticated, advanced training; if your mule is just like me, he will do just fine without any careful attention to the establishment of communicative aids. He will read your mind, though he might not always read your direct rein.

I hope you enjoy the new mule that you will have if you follow my instructions. You're welcome!

Love, Fenway

P.S. Once you have your mule, you must give the relationship tender loving care by following these guidelines: Always meet him with a snack; never force him to work beyond his fitness level; never force him to work within two hours of a meal; never forget his daily ear rub; use a rubber bit or hackamore unless you want to spend half the day warming cold steel before a winter ride; never underestimate his intelligence, emotional sophistication, or appetite; and don't let your mule establish a website of his own unless he promises not to steal my customers.

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Here are the Cloud Dog's X-Rays

Here, for your edification, are the X-rays of dear Paisley's leg. There is, apparently, no new break (since his Monday siezure) but there is, of course, a great deal of abnormality caused by years of living with a shortened ulna. His pronounced lameness, the vet says, may temporarily improve. Unlike me, Fenway Bartholomule, poor cloud dog can't expect much in the way of a full recovery. Not having the $$$$ for surgery to fuse the joint, we are working on making some sort of rigid splint to support the limb and prevent further degeneration. That is, the humans (with their space-age material inventions and their opposable thumbs) are working on making a splint; I am working on giving cloud dog brayful looks of support and encouragement every time he totters into the yard to relieve himself. As always, he fears me (me?!) and keeps his distance. Ears to you, Fenway

Continued . . .

Vegan Spring Rolls

I, Fenway Bartholomule, am a vegan: of course I only eat plants, not people! My human is too, so I'm sharing my blog with her today so that she can participate in the 2014 Virtual Vegan Potluck ! When you're done perusing the recipe for these delicious spring rolls, click "back" or "forward" for the entire potluck experience! Virtual Vegan Potluck: Spring Roll Appetizers Beautiful? Check. Healthy? Check. Delicious? Check. Easy? Check. Fancy? Check. Quick to clean up after? Check. Vegan? OF COURSE! If you're looking for something portable, colorful, and crowd-pleasing for your next potluck, look no further than these simple vegan spring rolls! The best part? You can substitute ANYTHING. I never make these the same way twice, so play around with cilantro, kale, cabbage, scallions, or whatever you think sounds good! Ingredients Veggie mix: 2 carrots (grated) 4 oz mung bean sprouts 1/3 cup chopped peanuts (raw, or roasted and salted) or ...

Continued . . .

Stripey schemes and meadow dreams

As you may recall, I am the proud resident of a very charming little barn—some might call it a shed—which shelters me in the winter from rain, and in the summer from sun. This spring Farmwife and Farmhusband decided it should be painted. Green, suggested Farmwife. Red, suggested Farmhusband. Teal, suggested Farmwife. Yellow, suggested Farmhusband. Stripey, suggested Farmwife? She was thinking of a retro Chevy squarebody (a quick Google search will show you what I mean), but didn't quite know how to make that practical on boards and battons. Farmhusband, who is a wizard, not only figured how how the stripes ought to go, but also arranged for the painting to be done. What I ended up with, almost in the blink of an eye, is the brightest, most cheerful, stripeavaganza of a barn. Even the neighbors are fond of it! In front of the barn is a vast expanse of grass which I am not allowed to sample on account of my laminitis. Not only is Farmwife opposed to letting me eat...

Continued . . .

A List

FarmWife has a to-do list, and "Ride the Mule" is sadly absent. The best thing on the list is "Muck out the Paddock," during which time I can enjoy the pleasure of her delightful company. The worst thing on the list is "clean the house," which is sure to take hours and hours which would be better spent rubbing my splendiferous ears. There's hardly even time for blogging on my transcriptionist's agenda, so I'll keep this short. Here, before I go, is the view from FarmWife's bedroom window at various levels of zoom: Your friend, Fenway

Continued . . .

BRAYS OF OUR LIVES

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