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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Fenway's Guide to Common Fruits, Grains, Vegetables and Legumes.

Carrots: Nature's miracle. Perfect crunch, delicate sweetness, lacy green tops of tender fragrant goodness.

Strawberries: Passable morsels. Great size, lousy texture. Wet, a bit tart. Will do in a pinch.

Apples: Suspiciously waxy. Unpleasant in appearance. Usually pink or red in the manner of a sunburned pig.

Plums: Acceptable. Excellent flavor, easily extracted pits. I am cute when I spit these out. FarmWife and I harvest plums together—I stand under the trees, she stands on tip-toe upon my hips and reaches for the fruits. I am obliged to eat by the extent of her labor.

Blackberries: Delicious. The great flavor more than makes up for their smallness and their damp consistency. Lousy cooked.

Alfalfa: The holy grail of foods. I am denied it. They say it is for hard-keepers, a demographic of which I am clearly not a member. A tragedy.

Omelene: Again, off-limits. It is a toothsome brown substance composed of little itty-bitty chunks of heaven rolled in some nectar of the gods.

Black oil sunflower seeds—very good. The yummiest black food I can think of, drier than blackberries and vastly superior to that terrible poison the humans call licorice.

Beets, parsnips, cabbage, broccoli, bush beans: not worth a taste. I can tell that I hate them already.

Lettuce, celery: about as yummy as last year's grass hay; that is, edible in a pinch.

Pop-tarts: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!♪ (That's a heavenly choir singing.) The pinnacle of human invention. They cannot be unpackaged without opposable thumbs. These clever primates think of everything!

Bon app├ętit,

FenBar

5 comments:

  1. Haven't given our equine any Pop Tarts, he thinks nature Valley granola bars are heavenly. Very worth climbing into the trailer for.

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  2. HHM Mr. Blondie is not fond of strawberries, either.

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  3. I had a pony when I was little who really enjoyed a plain cider doughnut every now and then, but she had an even more, uh...rubinesque...appearance than you Fenway!

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  4. Fenway, do you get to explore different beverages as well? My thoughts on beverages are:

    1) Gatorade: Comes in different colors. I like them all, especially on a hot Texas summer day.

    2) Ice Tea: Tastes like water that's been contaminated by soaking last years hay in it. Maybe, just maybe if my peeps would put sugar in it I would like it.

    3) Big Red: This is a soda named after me. It is so sweet just like me. I wish I could have it every day.

    4) Mountain Dew: Another delicious soda but I'm not allowed to have much of it. The peeps mention something about too much caffeine.

    5) Guinness: Another delicious beverage despite the fact that it's not sweet at all. Somehow humans have managed to create a beverage that is a smooth creamy liquid version of omolene. Again, I'm not allowed to have this very often. Something about alcohol.

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  5. Wonderful, Fenway!
    Made me a bit jealous - I haven't sampled a few of those things, but I have to add:

    Graham Crackers: Munchy and sweet - worth standing near the somewhat nerve-wracking campfire for.

    Marshmallows: Dusty, mushy and sticky - I take them politely to avoid hurting feelings, but turn my head and spit them out when I can do so discretely.
    Keep up the good work, Fenway!

    Juniper

    ReplyDelete

Thanks in Advance for Your Mulish Opinion!

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