Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Fenway's Guide to Common Fruits, Grains, Vegetables and Legumes.
Strawberries: Passable morsels. Great size, lousy texture. Wet, a bit tart. Will do in a pinch.
Apples: Suspiciously waxy. Unpleasant in appearance. Usually pink or red in the manner of a sunburned pig.
Plums: Acceptable. Excellent flavor, easily extracted pits. I am cute when I spit these out. FarmWife and I harvest plums together—I stand under the trees, she stands on tip-toe upon my hips and reaches for the fruits. I am obliged to eat by the extent of her labor.
Blackberries: Delicious. The great flavor more than makes up for their smallness and their damp consistency. Lousy cooked.
Alfalfa: The holy grail of foods. I am denied it. They say it is for hard-keepers, a demographic of which I am clearly not a member. A tragedy.
Omelene: Again, off-limits. It is a toothsome brown substance composed of little itty-bitty chunks of heaven rolled in some nectar of the gods.
Black oil sunflower seeds—very good. The yummiest black food I can think of, drier than blackberries and vastly superior to that terrible poison the humans call licorice.
Beets, parsnips, cabbage, broccoli, bush beans: not worth a taste. I can tell that I hate them already.
Lettuce, celery: about as yummy as last year's grass hay; that is, edible in a pinch.
Pop-tarts: ♫♪Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!♫♪ (That's a heavenly choir singing.) The pinnacle of human invention. They cannot be unpackaged without opposable thumbs. These clever primates think of everything!