Search This Blog

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Operation Bluebird Delta

Dear Readers,

The National Security Act of 1947 ushered in a new world of data gathering, secret operations, and clandestine research in the United States, not the least of which projects was the MKULTRA program undertaken by the CIA in order to study and master mind control. I, Fenway Bartholomule, have discovered that this program is not dead. It did not get put to sleep with the end of the cold war; did not crash down with the Berlin Wall; and certainly did not end with the drying up of brain electrode research in the second half of the 20th century. No, my friends: Government-run Mind Control research is at work even now, and my own dear FarmWife is the unwitting subject.

Some of you may be familiar with the term "Bejeweled Blitz," describing a cutesy facebook application with glittering gems and exciting little explosions. You may not realize that this very program, in all of its confidentiality, was found on prematurely discarded CIA laptops at a Petaluma garage sale and distributed to the general public via the Interwebs long before it was identified as the hypnotically addictive brain addler that it is. Designed to lull users into an amnesiac state of hypnotic susceptibility, Bejeweled Blitz (or Bluebird Delta as it was called by its programmers) creates a post-hypnotic state in which the user can be forced into a condition of disinhibition and made to crash an airplane, split into multiple personalities, exhibit audio-stimulated aggression, let the phone go straight to voicemail, or neglect to wash or fold laundry for periods up to six days.

FarmWife, like most post-hypnotic amnesiacs, denies any knowledge of having been affected thus by Bejeweled Blitz, but luckily her love for me is so great that she has deigned to submit to a moratorium at my request. Despite being a skeptical Agnostic, dear FarmWife has agreed that Lent, which commences tomorrow, Wednesday, shall mark the beginning of her hopefully permanent Bejeweled Blitz abstinence. Let us pray that we may yet still save her.

 In the meantime, look out for the following signs of mind control in your own loved ones:

  • Prolonged screen time, during which the user moves the mouse in erratic lateral and horizontal gestures while being auditorily stimulated with the sound of, "Zing! Pow! Sizzle, Sizzle, Zing!"
  • A preoccupation with "The Leaderboard," a device which gives "players" the ability to monitor the status of other mind-control study subjects. 
  • A tendancy to mutter such phrases as, "detonator boost!" or "free multiplier!" in their sleep. These phrases may be hypnotically-programmed triggers for terrorist activity.
Be strong, my friends, and do not allow yourself to become a pawn in this secret agenda. Let us boycott Bejeweled Blitz, that the Muleness might prevail.

Yours,
Fenway Bartholomule


2 comments:

  1. I am sorry Fenway but you will have to wait another week. Ash Wednesday is not until next week, 02/17/10. However my human sits at her computer all day at work, so when she comes home, she loves to spend time with us. Did I mention I had my first pedicure on Saturday? I was a good little girl, but I thought I would help by standing up on my back legs. So my mom held me up so they could file the front hoof. By the time they got to the last hoof, it was no big deal. Then they brought my best friend out Tony Pony, and I was so glad to see him. I watched him stand there while they looked at his feet. Someday I will be as good as him.
    Laila

    ReplyDelete
  2. DEeaR LAIILLa,

    WEEEe muUSTnT LET FarmWfie KNow abBot ThIS DatE CHNange. HARrd to TYpp wiF HOOVves BUt CAn'TT tELL HeRR.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks in Advance for Your Mulish Opinion!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...