I could handle some peanut butter on the palate and a piece of thread under my lip if it meant that, in my efforts to dislodge them, I was promoted to international stardom as a "talking" celebrity. I'd love the riches, dames (not that Katie Scarlett isn't woman enough for me!), telephone privileges, and getting to have a say in things like where to go on vacation and how to end the Iraq war.
4. Livestock Guardian.
Assuming the presence of a responsible human herdsman to look after things like hoof care, proper nutrition, and administration of pop tarts and scritchy-scratchies, I would totally dig spending my days grazing in a pastoral meadow with a herd of adorably fluffy little cloud-creatures. Scarin' off a wolf now and then would just be the icing on the cake. (Art by Thomas Sydney Cooper.)
3. Celebrity Blogger.
I'm getting there . . . I'm about 145 fans worth of famous . . . but I sure wouldn't mind kicking this fame thing up a notch. I'm talkin' private jet, $300,000 appearances, guest judging-on-American-Idol kinda famous. That would be swell, and maintaining my dignity through it all would be even sweller. Watch my star rise . . . and I promise you will NEVER catch me turning into some Perez Hilton-esque snark demon.
2. Equine Therapist.
Hmm . . . spending a couple hours a day carrying excited, grateful, awesome people around and helping them gain, independence, capability, strength, and self-esteem in exchange for the priviledge of carrying excited, grateful, awesome people around and helping them gain, independence, capability, strength, and self-esteem . . . not too bad. Then there would be the other 22 hours a day, spent lounging around clean, attractive, safe facilities under the supervision of kind, competent equine professionals and caring volunteers. If you can get in with a professionally run organization, I'd say this would be a career choice to envy. (pictured: Kleng, 2009 NARHA Horse of the Year and a personal friend of my FarmWife.)
1. Recreational Trail Mule/Family Pet.
Lemme see . . . . thrice daily meal delivery? Check. Comfortable paddock and adequate companionship? Check. Loving affection from a beloved mistress? Check. Brain-expanding exercises like "give me your foot," "step up," and "scoot over"? Check. Regular grooming, a well-fitted wardrobe, and daily ear massages? Check. Twice- or thrice-weekly outings on beautiful and varied terrain with full consideration given to my lack of physical fitness? Check. Opportunities to Surmount Objects, investigate Mysterious Things, and nibble Tender Grasses? Check. Regular visitations by the helmeted larval children, the happy oompa-loompas of my little kingdom? Check. I think I like this life.